


bucket list of bad ideas

by idylxic



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily is a Mess (DCU), Bruce Wayne is So Done, Bucket List, Crack, Drabble, Fluff, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, PowerPoint, PowerPoint presentations, brief mentions of alfred, cass is just tagging along, chaotic energy, jason todd is a chaotic mess, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:56:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29929626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idylxic/pseuds/idylxic
Summary: Jason Todd knows what it's like to not do everything you wanted to do before dying.So he creates a bucket list of things to do before he does (again) and drags along the rest of his siblings for the ride.
Relationships: Batfamily Members & Jason Todd
Comments: 7
Kudos: 103





	bucket list of bad ideas

**Author's Note:**

> They're all chaotic and I love it.

They all settle into the home theatre for their monthly PowerPoint night. Stephanie, the first presenter, clears her throat and grabs a pointer, accidentally whacking Tim’s leg. As the cacophony dies down, she switches to the title presentation. In bold red against an electric blue background are the words,  _ Why Superman is Better Than Batman. _

“You better be glad B isn’t home!” Tim laughs, recording everything.

“Let the woman speak!” Damian yells. It effectively silences the family and Stephanie clears her throat once more.

“Thank you, Damian. Today, I’m gonna show you all why Superman is way better than Batman.” The title fizzles out to the next slide. “One: Superman lets us have ice cream after every successful mission.”

“Bruce has a grudge against anything happy,” Dick admits and stuffs more buttery popcorn into his mouth. Cass shrugs in agreement.

“Two:  _ Superman  _ never grounded me!” she yells and stomps her foot. “It wasn’t even my fault that you all broke the vase! I wasn’t even there! This is favoritism!”

“To put it in Jason’s words, we are all communists here. It’s all our fault,” Tim says mildly.

“Leave me out of this.”

“I’m quoting wise words from an unwise man.”

“Listen here - “

The night goes on, filled with laughter and jokes. Finally, it’s Jason’s turn to present.

“This,” he announces, “is my Bucket List of Bad Ideas. There are 100 items in this list that I want to finish before I die. Since that number increases exponentially as I live on, I propose we get this done today. Bruce has no business trip to go to and this is our only free night.”

“I would like to participate,” Damian sneers, “if only to watch Todd fail.”

“You take that back, you little gremlin, or else you’re not invited along.”

“I’m videotaping, so I’m joining,” Tim says. He pauses. “Hopefully this won’t involve trying to kill me again?”

“Timmers, it was a phase. You’re never gonna let me live this down, will you? Don’t answer that.”

Cass clinks her spoon against her water glass and rapidly signs,  _ I am in as the only available and responsible adult chaperone. _

“Excellent,” Jason says.

“I’m in too!” Stephanie exclaims, bouncing at the edge of her seat. She steals some of Cass’s strawberry cream cake. “Dick?”

Dick twists in his seat. “Alfred will be very disappointed in us.” He chews thoughtfully on another bite of Cass’s cake. The owner in question seems to be sliding down further and further in her seat as her food disappears. “But he already is, so why not?”

“I hereby signal this to be the end of PowerPoint night and to commence Bucket List night!” Damian says, pounding a gavel he’d gotten out of nowhere.

Dick groans. This is a bad idea. This is a very bad idea.

_ 1\. Use the Batmobile. _

“Hey haven’t you already done this one?”

“Timothy, move over!”   


“I want my cake,” Cass whines quietly. So much for being the responsible chaperone.

“I’ll make you more cake later on,” Jason placates and hops into the driver’s seat. “Don’t touch any buttons. I’m the best here at mechanics.” The engine purrs to life and he leans back in the cushioned leather seat, admiring the fine handiwork of the automobile. “She’s gorgeous.”

“Don’t assume their gender,” Stephanie says.

“Yeah, Jay. That’s so disrespectful. You know what? Since I clearly am the oldest and the most - “

“If you say responsible, I’m gonna blow out your brains. Plus, Cass is our guardian at the moment. You aren’t.” He rolls down the windows and turns on the radio. “Let’s get - Damian,  _ no!" _

_ 2\. Use my car when the Batmobile inevitably crashes. _

“I thought we’d have to wait longer for us to get here. I underestimated how much you all want to pin this on me.”

Stephanie snickers.

_ 3\. Run barefoot in a drafty abandoned castle in a long flowing gown to intense classical music as if I’m late to a ball. _

“I don’t think we can make this one happen tonight, Jason.”

“Shut up, Tim. I can dream."

_ 4\. Ride in shopping carts down an icy hill. _

_ As your resident chaperone, I am afraid to tell you that this is far too unsafe for me to allow. _

“Cass, you’re gonna scratch everything off the list if you think that way.”

“Um, guys? How are we gonna get ice in the middle of summer?”

Tim stares into the distance like a man who’s seen the darkest secrets of the universe and lived to tell the tale. “Gotham has a way. It always has a way.”

_ 5\. Watch the Lego Batman movie. _

“Jason,” Dick begins carefully. “When you said this I didn’t think - “

A mother screams and points at their group. “It’s the Red Hood!”

Jason shrugs, tilts up the mask, and slurps his cherry slushie. “It’s my bucket list. You write your own if you’ve got a problem with mine. Oh, look. Batman’s stopping the Joker. Too bad there’s no crowbars here.”

_ “Jason!” _

_ 9\. Replace all of Bruce’s clothes with Lego Batman merch. _

“He’s gonna be so mad.”

“That’s the point?”

_ 14\. Kill the Joker. _

“Jason,  _ no! _ ”

_ 17\. Kill a murderous clown that goes around killing others. _

“I wholeheartedly approve of this endeavor.”

“See, Damian, this is why you’re my favorite brother.”

_ 21\. Lock Talia al Ghul, Bruce, and Selina into a room together to see what happens. _

“You’re gonna get killed,” Tim says in awe. “Don’t you think that’s counterproductive? B isn't even in town right now.”

“No price is too large for the sake of entertainment.”

_ 27\. Lock Bruce and Clark into a room together to see what happens. _

“You’re just planning to put Bruce in captivity for the rest of his life, aren’t you?” Stephanie asks. 

“No price is too large for the sake of scientific discovery.”

“You seem to be saying that often lately.”

_ 34\. Inform the entire world that I’m alive, motherfuckers. _

“This is the PR team’s worst nightmare.”

“I think we should wait on this one.”

_ Agreed,  _ Cass signs.

_ 49\. Learn guitar. _

“He’s trying,” Dick sighs as Jason breaks another string and sends a thumbs up towards them. There's a loud crash. They all wince.

_ 56\. Force everybody to do karaoke. _

“Wait, why does Tim actually sound good?” Dick gapes at his brother onstage.

“Better than you, anyway,” Stephanie says. 

“Not all of us are pop trash, Steph.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

_ 61\. Sob in a car like I’m in a dramatic movie while rain pours. _

“I never thought I’d say this,” Tim starts, “but at times like this I genuinely wish we had bad weather.”

They all sit in the car as Jason lets out a wail. The timer beeps and he promptly stops crying.

Damian looks to Cass. Cass looks back at him as if to say,  _ What can you do? _

_ 77\. Put a bunch of bath bombs in the pool. _

Cass gleefully tosses each in, watching them fizz in the water. They’ve bought at least 25 from Lush. The colors spread through and shimmer in the moonlight. The scents of rose and vanilla drift up and mingle with the other scents.

“This is the best one,” Jason says as he jumps in. He splashes the others and dives to the bottom.

“Oh, it is on,” Stephanie grins.

_ 83\. Lock Bruce and Hal Jordan into a room. _

“You’re seriously tempting fate right now.”

“That’s the fun part.”

_ 95\. Buy 30 huge stuffed animals. _

“I’m not sure why I put this here,” Jason says as he unpacks all the large stuffies. “They’re soft.”

Cass flops down onto a pile of them.  _ If you don’t want it, I’ll take them. _

He scoffs. “I’m not abandoning my children like that.”

_ 99\. Hold up Damian on the highest tower in Gotham and play that one Lion King song. _

“Let me down, Todd!”

“Shit, it’s security. Run.”

_ 100\. Have at least nine consecutive hours of sleep. _

That one works out well until Bruce bursts into the room, freshly back form his business trip, and yells, “What is going on here?”

Steph looks up through bleary eyes. “We’re dead.”

“It was worth it,” Jason mumbles and goes back to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated!


End file.
